I really just hate you, you fucking cunt. I do.
Shit, man! That feels so damn good to say. Like whoa! I did not think I would get that much satisfaction from a lie. Because here’s the thing: that is total lie. I don’t even know you.
So how is that I can truly just HATE you and yet I don’t even know you? Funny the way life works like that? How the mighty can be humanized but such petty feelings like jealousy and hatred. How goddamn disgraceful it is.
But what can I say? Is this part of growing up? Is it? As we get older, we are supposed to get attached to someone and grow more and more protective of them? I sure as fuck don’t know. No one fucking prepared me for this. If you had come up to me a year ago and said this is what I would become, I will have knocked your ass out then and there. No.
Hmmm…it is this overwhelming sense that you have been dethroned and you weren’t even at parliament to see it go down, see who voted on your behalf. Suddenly, I “get” Elizabeth, I relate to her on such a deeper level now.
I had my kingdom, a beautiful land of bliss and happiness. Nothing could fucking bring it down. NOTHING. Why? Because I, goddamnit, I am ME. But yet……there was a trick move, I set myself up to be vulnerable….and I didn’t even see it coming.
That is truly the worst, the fucking blind side. Like really? I just ask, was this planned all along? Did you build me up just to break me down? You silly, silly cruel fuck.
To add salt to the bitter wound, not only was I dethroned, but they took my voice. MY voice. My most precious treasure. I swore on my life that NO ONE would EVER take that from me. It is mine; I control it. It is the most powerful weapon I have, dare say it’s my own weapon……and they took it. I am left here, to sulk, without a voice, without a right, without a claim, and pushed to the side like dirt to be forgotten in time.
There is supposed to be a light the end of the tunnel, one planned and predicted for time….Or are you, too, a mirage of a life that once was? It’s simple not good enough to crush me, take my voice, and forget me was it? You have this continue joy of building me up and dropping me just for fun? How many licks to the center of a tootsie pop? How about how many killed dreams relived until the death of a young heart? Oh how the mighty fall, how the mighty fall.
But you know what I do have that you NEVER will? Pride. Ambition. Education. And I swear to the fucking gods above that YOU will never get those. I refuse to use my pride, my ambition, or my education against me. And you will never understand that, and that good friend, is your downfall. That is were you failed. You can beat me down and squeeze the life from my soul, but I will ALWAYS have my education, ambition, and pride. You can’t take those. You don’t know how.
My voice is gone, its being held hostage. The second it’s used, those loved lose and they lose all. Could I live knowing that I did that to them, destroyed their lives just to keep my voice and reclaim a throne? I am stronger than that. And that, my friend, is what that separates us.
Hell hath no fury like a bitch scorned.